No we’re not romantically involved, nor neighbours even.
It’s just that his voice is the one I chose to be my TomTom satnav motoring companion and we are forever travelling across the UK together to all sorts of previously unknown places.
I’ve heard some people say they prefer to take instructions from a female voice but not me. John’s clipped, supercilious and usually downright bossy instructions are spot on. Because I don’t feel at all out of order being rude back to him, especially when he is so obviously wrong.
‘Take the next turning’ he says… but it’s more than a mile away and we pass two or three exits before his appears.
‘Take the right turn’ he says but that isn’t the case – it’s simply a pronounced right hand bend in the road…and so on.
No wonder people end up in tight spots when they haven’t looked at a map first and they simply do what they’re told.
On balance John keeps me on my motoring toes, because I have to check that he’s right…’Oh no it isn’t, you silly man’ allows me to vent my gender superiority without causing offence.
All the same I chuckle at his pompous jokes about Napoleon, the inanity of ‘bearing’ vs ‘beavering’ left and his refusal to carry my bags at ‘our’ destination.
But I wouldn’t change him for another because he is, quite frankly, the perfect male motoring companion. He doesn’t criticise my driving, he’s only there because I say so and I can switch him off as soon as I know better or when he gets on my nerves.